I've had many conversations with my own guilt. This guilt came from making the decision to help Misty Blue to the other side due to terminal illness. I finally battled through my feelings of guilt but not before getting to know its method of operation very well. Because it is so overbearing I'll put the words of guilt in bold lettering.
"I did everything I could for her, using every possible medical and spiritual avenue.
I feel so incredibly guilty but euthanasia was the only option I had left.
She was in extreme pain. The disease was awful and she was suffering."
"You were playing God. IF ONLY you'd waited your friend would have left this world on her own and you wouldn't feel guilty."
"But she was in pain - terrible pain. I couldn't stand to see her suffer. I love her too much for that. She'd been in pain far too long."
"YOU couldn't stand to see her suffer? This isn't about YOU, it's about her and now she's gone and it's all your fault. Because you decided to play God you'll have to live with me, guilt, for the rest of your life."
"I didn't mean to play God. She was dying, whether I'd helped her or not she would still be gone. She gave me so much in her short life, I owed it to her to give her a pain free passage to the other side. I did what I did out of love."
"Trying to justify it won't change the fact that you're a bad person."
"How can doing something out of love make me a bad person? This doesn't make any sense! All this talk about playing God isn't helping me to cope. I've been battling you since the question of euthanasia came up. You're making things much, much worse. There's got to be a better way."
"Maybe there is but I dominate your thoughts so you can't focus on anything else. Every time you begin to feel a little better I'll be here to remind you of WHAT you did, what you SHOULD HAVE done instead and the result of your actions."
"If ever there was a time for an emotional shift, it's now. It's a slow, painful process but I'm beginning to see the truth that I have CHOICES. It's up to me to decide what part guilt plays in my life...in my grief. It's my place to determine if guilt is producing anything positive and from where I stand I can see that it doesn't.
My heart is broken from the loss of my girl but as a last resort I helped her leave this world because I love her. I'm wasting too much time focusing on guilt when I could be doing something more productive to help myself and in turn help others. Guilt doesn't help, it hinders. What hinders me hinders everyone I come in contact with."
"I don't like the sound of this."
*Portrait Of An Angel Website*
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